July 18, 2005

The Hippie Hippie Shake

How self-confident are you? Men's version. Sometimes, while in a public restroom, standing there doing my thing, I wonder what I would do if a man came along and pulled the wallet from my rear pocket. [This is, I understand, a pretty common tactic.] Sometimes I have the fantasy that I would instantly grab the offender's wrist and pivot instantly on my toes. Simultaneously, I would turn my right arm--the one with the wrist in its associated hand--and twist his arm until he begged with mercy. Wallet retrieved, I might finish my business. At the urinal, naturally. Distasteful though his actions might be, I probably wouldn't consummate evacuation on such a person. It is, as I said, a bit fantastic. The realistic question, then, would be whether I would give chase before or after either completion or zippage. I feel as though it is pretty likely that I probably wouldn't stop to raise the metal-toothed closure before giving chase. A wallet's a pretty valuable thing. And so I wonder, when such admittedly-odd thoughts pass through my mind, does that make me paticularly self-confident or just careless?

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October 14, 2004

Business Up Front

There’s something rebellious about wearing halloween pumpkins on your boxer shorts when you work at Big Firm. Just knowing that—under the pressed-and-starched—there is a smiling, twinkling little face can make the most boring of meetings or the most powerful of upbraidings just a little ridiculous.

I mean, can you imagine what Big Partner at Big Firm would do if he knew while critiquing your extraordinarily bad work, you were wearing HappyPants™? Or if they were handing you an award for a job really well done, and you simply told everyone that you had turtles in race cars on your pants?

And nothing more?

Of course, sometimes, you have to be a bit more serious; you go for the plaid, or even solid colored boxers. For days like that, it helps to have a girlfriend like S, who’ll kindly give you a pair of snazzy dress socks.

That have a pink heel and a pink toe! It’s like the mullet of footwear—business up top, but a party down below.

But you can be having a crap day, sitting in a stuffy meeting, and if you just take a moment to think about your socks, all the troubles melt away. So as things go downhill, you can stop, take a breath, and take a mental gander at your twinkling, pink piggies. And you’re left with a little smile.

Just like the Jack-o-Lanterns.

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