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August 31, 2005

Just Put the Phone Down, And No One Gets Hurt

All right, this one is going to be very simple. Shoe's first rule of cell phone usage: If you're important enough to be interrupted during dinner by someone calling you on your cell phone from work--you're important enough to tell them to leave you alone until the bill has come. PS Sorry for the slow emailing, but I'm basically rebuilding my computer very very slowly.

This was Law , and it appeared on August 31, 2005 12:19 AM. | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 10, 2005

Knives Out

One of the hazards of my profession is that you rarely get a normal meal. One is constantly eating in or eating out. Food is almost always eaten at a desk or a conference table. But somehow today, I discovered that I have about a gross of utensils, and only one fork. I have enough knives to arm a third of China, but nothing to put the food into my mouth. Tragedy.

This was Amusing To Me and Law and New York , and it appeared on August 10, 2005 11:44 PM. | Comments (4) | TrackBack

August 8, 2005

You Can Hear Me, But Why Won't You LISTEN?

Dear Verizon-- I'm sick and tired of these little love notes you keep sending me. You know, the passive-aggressive little notes that you send once every two months or so when you haven't written to nag me lightly? I mean, I know our relationship seems like I take and take and take, but don't you know that I bear most of the financial burden in this...us? Why can't you just acknowledge that although you've got the finances, I'm the breadwinner here? And if it weren't for the fact that your wireless was so good, I don't know if I could keep overlooking your lackluster commitment to our DSL time. It's up, it's down, it's slow, it's fast...it's as though I'm dating a manic-depressive schizophrenic. But honestly...don't tell me that I have to pay my bill or you're going to disconnect me when you never told me I owed you money in the first place. Two months go by, and I'm supposed to remember to pay you? When all along, our relationship was based on you billing me? Put simply--Verizon, don't you dare threaten me with a disconnect notice for nonpayment if you don't send me any mail, electronic or otherwise. Just remember, ultimatums don't work.

This was New York , and it appeared on August 8, 2005 10:32 PM. | Comments (1) | TrackBack

August 4, 2005

High-Risk Behavior

This week, I am a snot-producer. I have had one of the most enduring colds I've ever had, and I've had my share. Not content to resist strep throat from S when we were first dating, or more than her share of colds since then, somehow I found myself tripped up by a common cold in the dead of summer. They say that summer colds are the worst. I'm pretty sure they're right. But without going into great detail about the consistency (thick) or color of my mucosa (brown/green/yellow/camouflage), I will say that it's been a long trip and I'm at that stage of illness where I'm better, but I sound like I swallowed a hedgehog or porcupine, or more realistically, a bear, which clawed its way down, and is now speaking up whenever I try to utter a word. However, this post isn't to bemoan my illness or whine about working when I feel sooo low--well, not really. I'm just writing to indicate what an utter fool I am. Because in my illness, what am I doing? I'm sipping an iced coffee with skim milk--because it's summer. I'm singing my lungs out at a firm karaoke cruise--because it's fun and I want to participate. I'm sleeping in an air-conditioned room--because I can't sleep if it's warm. Mothers of the world: I know I've done wrong. Update (12:19PM): I am displeased to announce that I've gone from Tom Waits-sexy gravel/sandpaper-voice to prepubescent-teen voice. Mickey Mouse and I have more in common than ever.

This was Perspective , and it appeared on August 4, 2005 9:43 AM. | Comments (1) | TrackBack